At certain points in our lives, we all get a little busy, and we tend to neglect our relationships.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this in the past year. How relationships can be simultaneously strong and fragile. How we know we need to be more open — but we’re busy and we don’t want to feel vulnerable and it’s uncomfortable and we don’t want to make the other person feel weird and so we don’t. How so many words go unsaid. How misunderstandings happen when communication falls by the wayside. How relationships can change in the blink of an eye.

Last August, my husband and I had our first relationship check in. We had been having a lot of misunderstandings, and instead of listening to each other, we’d put on our prickly, defensive shells. We’d lash out and place blame. We’d shut the other person out so we could protect ourselves. I could see this happening, bit by painful bit, and I felt powerless to stop it. Heck, I was in the dance too.

After listening to many podcasts, reading a bunch of articles, and mustering up the courage, I told my husband I wanted to have a monthly relationship check in. I had come up with a simple structure, which I shared with him. I tried to make it sound fun. I said we could buy treats. He very reluctantly agreed.

Our relationship check in is structured as two rounds of sharing.

Round 1: We take turns reflecting on what we loved or didn’t love about our interactions in the past month in terms of our relationship. What felt good. What felt hurtful. How we saw things from our perspective. We each have five minutes of uninterrupted time to speak. We each time ourselves.

Round 2: We take turns talking about what we are looking forward to in the upcoming month in terms of our relationship. What we want more of. What we want less of. How we’d love to spend our time together. Once again, we each have five minutes of uninterrupted time to speak and we each time ourselves.

This simple monthly check in has transformed our relationship.

Since starting our relationship check in — and sticking with it each and every month — I’ve noticed we’re kinder to each other. We’re more open with each other. We don’t wait until the monthly check in to pile it all on; instead, we’re better about speaking up in the moment. We’re less afraid to show vulnerability. We’re more supportive of each other. We use gentler and more loving language. We’re better at seeing things from the other person’s perspective.

Hubby still feels awkward and uncomfortable leading up to our chat, and I’ll admit, sometimes it feels like a chore to me too. At our most recent check in, we talked about how we were feeling. He mentioned that we’d been communicating so well lately that he thought we could do away with the relationship check in. I offered that perhaps we’re communicating so well lately because of the relationship check in.

After talking a bit more — him expressing how he feels stress leading up to the check in, and me expressing how important I feel the check in is to our relationship — hubby came up with an idea. He suggested that we simply call it something else. To him, relationship check in sounded too serious, too formal, too rigid.

So our relationship check in has since been rebranded. We’re now calling it, “family couch time.” It’s one of the rare occasions when we’ll both be on the couch, not distracted by the television or our phones, fully present with one another, with Lulu in one of our laps. We like to think that Truffle hops home briefly to loaf with us too.

Family couch time happens on the last Saturday of each month, we decide in the moment who will share first, I still buy us treats. Sometimes, our family couch time is painful. There have been tears. But it’s worth it. During this time, I think we both see how much we care. How much we want to make things work. How we’re willing to be flexible and adaptive. How much we want each other to feel comfortable, happy, and safe. How much we love each other.

This practice of checking in with each other regularly has been transformative in our household, and I hope it can help in your life as well. The relationship check in can be customized in many ways. It doesn’t have to be with your significant other; you can have a check in with a family member or a friend. It doesn’t have to be five minutes of sharing; more or fewer minutes would work too. It doesn’t have to be monthly; it can be more or less frequent. You can change the topics of each round, add more rounds, or just have one round. It all works.

Here’s what’s essential:

• Allow equal time for each person to speak

• Be fully present and listen deeply while the other person is speaking

• Express what you are thinking or feeling in a gentle and compassionate manner

• Allow yourself to be vulnerable

• Make this recurring event one of your top priorities

Oh, and don’t forget the treats.

♥︎