Inner and outer life trajectories

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my life trajectory and how it has taken a few interesting shapes.

Up until a few years ago, I could safely say that my external life trajectory was on the rise. By all outward measures of success, I was doing great and my life was getting better. I graduated from university, landed my first full-time job, got promoted a few times, made more and more money, bought a condo, and indulged in pretty much everything I wanted. I was living the life. Or so it seemed from the outside.

If you knew me back then, you might have described me as bubbly and silly and happy. But I also had a growing nasty streak. I was getting more and more short-tempered and impatient. I thought I knew it all. I became stressed, anxious, and filled with self-loathing. I was always too busy, always looking ahead, never content.

Nothing was ever enough.

It took some time for me to hear a tiny voice calling out from within, “Hey there. Hello? Remember me? You don’t need to do all that for me.” When I tuned into that voice, I saw that my inner self was deeply unhappy. I was progressing in a career that didn’t interest me and trading time for money I didn’t need, just so I could buy a bunch of stuff that could never fill the void.

My external trajectory had become misaligned with my inner self.

That was when I decided to shift my focus. I summoned up enough courage to quit my job and I started listening to my inner compass. What were the things that truly interested me? How did I actually want to spend my time? The voice was weak at first, so I tried a bunch of stuff. I went on a silent meditation, I made recipes that were on my list for years, I KonMari’d my condo, I went to afternoon concerts, I volunteered, I explored the city, I attended a pottery class, I planned a staycation, I took a creative writing workshop, I worked at TIFF.

From the outside, it looked like my life trajectory plummeted. My annual income decreased significantly, I stopped shopping almost completely, I reduced our number of fancy dinners, I didn’t take many vacations, I stopped chasing pleasure to make myself feel better. Instead, I meandered along, confused and unfocused, trying to see where my inner compass would lead me.

Then something magical happened.

Somehow, my internal life trajectory started to rise. As I meandered along the path of self-awareness, I reignited my curiosity and compassion. I started actively trying to become a better listener, while also expressing what was on my mind and in my heart. I started believing in myself again, trusting myself again, being myself again.

It’s wonderful when your inner and outer life trajectories are aligned — when what you truly want matches what society expects of you. But for me, these got painfully misaligned. I started prioritizing my external life trajectory at the expense of my internal one. Looking back, I now realize that prioritizing my outer life trajectory fed my ego, while focusing on my inner life trajectory improved my confidence.

You can only ignore that little voice inside for so long.

Today, I’m happily working on increasing my internal life trajectory day by day. Occasionally, what I truly want for myself aligns with society’s markers of success. But mostly it doesn’t, and that’s ok too. I’m releasing my preoccupation with what other people think of my life and it feels so good to let go.

Are there still things I want to change about my life? Sure. Do I still have a nasty streak? Of course. Is my life all rainbows and unicorns? Far from it. Who knows when life will gently nudge me in a different direction or throw something totally unexpected my way. But as long as I continue listening to that little voice deep within, I know my inner life trajectory will take me exactly where I need to be.