Recalibrating in the murkiness
A cloudy night sky.
It’s been almost three years since I quit the news.
While this meant I stopped reading the news regularly, certain headlines still came into my consciousness — through chatting with people and spending so much time online. When a headline grabbed my attention, sometimes I’d look into it more. Usually, my curiosity was satisfied quickly; occasionally, it took a little longer. But over the course of the past three years, I got a lot better at identifying things that were within my control and not ruminating (for too long) about things that weren’t.
I was rolling right along until just recently.
The threats to Canada’s sovereignty piqued my interest in a big way. I read a bit about it, then a bit more, then a bit more. Soon, I found myself deep in the news rabbit hole again — and the more I read, the more horrified I became about the blatant abuses of power by the current U.S. administration.
But this isn’t a blog about politics so I’ll bring it back to self-reflection.
I wanted to interrupt my pattern of media consumption because I was feeling increasingly angry and distracted and anxious. I found myself in my dreaded nihilistic state more often. If the world as we know it is about to end, what else really matters? I was tuning in to doom and gloom in all my free time, I didn’t want to read my novel, I even found myself hoping to find clues of a sea change in a conservatives subreddit (spoiler alert: I was disappointed).
In my desire to reset, I turned to the formats exercise in the media chapter of ABR. This exercise involves completing a collection of sentence stems around different forms of media. For example:
When I read a good book, _____.
My favourite blogs are the ones that _____.
Listening to music is _____.
When I watch a good movie, _____.
When I scroll through social media, _____.
I love completing sentence stems so this exercise was a fun recalibration tool for me. And when I looked over my responses, two main things jumped out at me:
I admitted to myself that I wasn’t enjoying the novel I was reading and that I still have a lot of trouble DNFing fiction. Since I was bored with the book I was reading, I would choose to scroll through Reddit instead. This gave me the nudge I needed to finally DNF that book — and I’ve since started this one, which I’m so immersed in that I’ve been defaulting less to doomscrolling.
My favourite information sources (blogs, podcasts, etc.) are the ones that inspire an idea or action. Once I reminded myself of this, I was more selective with the type of news I was consuming (no more torturing myself with that conservatives subreddit!). Anger without action eats away at me, so I want to consciously choose content that will inspire me to act.
I had a therapy session soon after I completed the formats exercise. I wanted to talk about some of the thoughts that had come up. My therapist helped me realize a few things that I plan to use to guide my behaviour moving forward:
It’s ok to follow my curiosity. I’ve been reading a lot of news coming out of the U.S. and I’ve also been drawn to peripheral information — for example, watching YouTube videos about narcissists, dictators, and war. In the past, I would try to comfort-wash my media consumption, preferring to stay in a bubble of emotional safety. But now, I feel the need to try to make sense of what’s going on. Fortunately, my media consumption hasn’t been interfering with my day-to-day life; instead, it’s been firing me up. On that note…
It’s ok to be angry. My therapist reminded me that anger is a natural human emotion, and there’s a lot to be angry about right now. My anger has been lighting me up and I’ve been feeling full of energy for the past few weeks. This helped me power through my 30-days-to-spring deep cleaning challenge even though I was feeling distracted and nihilistic. Now that I’ve completed that challenge, I want to find other productive ways to channel my anger. At the same time…
It’s also ok to feel joy. It’s hard for me to recall moments of joy when my anger takes up so much space. But joy inevitably finds a way to peek through. Even though I’m often full of rage these days, at my core, I know I’m a happy and hopeful person. At any given point in time, there’s too much pain, anger, and fear in the world — so it’s even more important to take care of ourselves and lean into moments of joy when we can.
After my therapy session, I was motivated to make a list of actions that are within my control. For example:
I want to stay informed so I’ve decided not to avoid the news like I’ve done in the past. But instead of scrolling for hours, I’ve been spending a few minutes catching up here and there. Every time I read the news, I practice tuning in to myself to ask how much is enough and whether it’s time to move on to something else.
I’ve been doing some research before I shop. I want to support Canadian businesses and businesses that employ Canadian workers. I’m actively trying to avoid products that are made in the U.S.
For the past few years, I’ve been vocal about my desire to travel within Canada. In light of current events, I’ve also decided that travelling to the U.S. is out of the question for the foreseeable future.
I’ve been keeping an eye on the general strike and protests in the U.S. I’m also trying to stay informed on the rallies planned in my area. [Note: I’ve linked a couple of subreddits as these are my preferred way of taking in the news, but I apply critical and nuanced thinking when I read the posts. I try to verify the information before deciding what actions I personally want to take.]
I’m finding comfort in podcasts like Elbows Up, but I’m also taking frequent breaks from the news by listening to some of my favourite music.
I’m trying to channel my energy in productive ways. This includes going to the gym, editing a video, writing a blog post, or creating a rage colouring page.
These are all small things, but it feels good to have some agency in the current murkiness.
This month’s reflective questions
Irrespective of why you might be feeling these emotions, what are some of the ways you channel your anger, fear, or discomfort? These can be things you’re currently doing or things you plan to do in the future.
And at the same time, where are you finding joy right now?
With you in fury and in joy,
