What I know about myself

I often struggle with verbal self-expression, and I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I can be a better communicator. One reason I stumble over my words is that my thoughts are constantly racing. By the time I start talking, my mind has made at least 7 or 8 leaps — forward, backward, sideways — and it feels impossible to go through my thoughts methodically enough to tell a story in a coherent way. This is often compounded by the feedback or visual cues I receive when interacting with people. I worry that I’m taking up too much time, I try to rush through my story, and my thoughts get even more jumbled.

In the past, I’ve dealt with this by not talking at all — particularly in settings like business classes and work meetings. When I realized that these were ego-driven environments where most people were just waiting for their turn to talk, I’d loosen my focus and let my thoughts flow freely. I didn’t want to make the effort to talk because no one was paying attention anyway. And I didn’t feel like I needed to listen because there wasn’t anything of substance being said.

All that changed when I left the corporate world and stepped into my current work.

In this new-to-me, heart-based environment, people seemed to actually listen when I babbled on about how I was feeling or what I thought about things. And these humans were willing to express their true selves, their vulnerability, their joy, and their grief. There were words of substance and connection being shared. I quickly learned that I needed to put a rein on my free flowing thoughts so I could focus on listening — truly listening — to what was being said.

It’s not that I’m a bad listener. But I can be a better listener. And I realized I needed to train myself to listen deeply.

I’ll be honest. My transition from an ego-driven environment to a heart-based environment hasn’t been all roses. I learned a lot about myself — the coping mechanisms I used and the masks I put on to “make it” in the corporate world. I felt a lot of shame about these things, and it was a relief but also hugely uncomfortable when I started shedding them. What lies beneath my coping mechanisms? What’s underneath my masks? I realized I had lost my sense of self, and I’m still trying to find my way back.

When I was doing The Artist’s Way in my bullet journal, I remembered a class I had taken in 2008 called Strategic Career Management. This course was recommended to me by a friend and it was a bit of an anomaly in the MBA program — it was chock full of personality indicators, self-development exercises, and what I now know to be memoir writing. The final project in this course was to review all the findings from the various tools used throughout the course to come up with a personal set of themes.

Reading my 23 themes a decade later, it was comforting to see that they still represent who I am today. I’m listing my themes here because I want them to serve as a guidepost in case I ever begin to wander off again. I’ve tweaked the wording slightly but I’ve left the categories and core meanings intact. It’s incredible to know that beneath all the confusion and masks and incoherent stories, I’m still the same person.

Here’s what I know about myself.

Interests

1. I am a person who has a passion for introspection, reflection, and self-discovery.

2. I am a person who cherishes new and diverse experiences.

3. I am a person who finds tremendous pleasure in food.

4. I am a person who enjoys having a daily dose of the outdoors and physical activity.

Attributes

5. I am a person who likes to be in my busy sweet spot.

6. I am a person who is curious about myself and the world around me.

7. I am a person who prioritizes freedom, independence, and time to myself.

8. I am a person who values having an organized routine that is also fluid and flexible.

9. I am a person who values financial independence and personal financial management.

10. I am a person who wants to make a difference.

11. I am a person who enjoys infusing creativity into all aspects of life.

12. I am a person who practices compassion toward myself and others, understanding that we are all doing our best.

Priorities & decision making

13. I am a person who believes in having boundaries to protect my personal time.

14. I am a person who seeks a healthy balance in all aspects of life.

15. I am a person who believes in an abundant and generous universe.

Interpersonal style and relationships

16. I am a person who values my relationships.

17. I am a person who appreciates thoughtful suggestions or feedback delivered in a considerate manner.

18. I am a person who is reliable and values trust.

19. I am a person who prefers one-on-one interactions.

20. I am a person who is learning to find my own path amid external influences and pressures.

Career

21. I am a person who prefers to work independently.

22. I am a person who loves words, numbers, and spreadsheets.

23. I am a person who values autonomy.

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